I was just trying to help, little did I know I was doing it wrong all along.
Criticism didn’t make me feel a thing anymore, for I had criticised myself all my life long.
Yet, in that numbness I felt a sharp pain.
And I smiled.
I could here him speak but the words seemed unclear. I could see him talk but it was all such a blur. I saw him, I saw the how his lips curved to produce this unforgettable prepossessing smile as he talked to me. I could see how happy he was in the moment, the brio within him was glistening. There was this sparkle in his eyes, there was love for me. I just sat there lost in now. Thoughts overpowered the peace of my mind, filled the void in my heart with stinging pain. There he was, sitting in front of me full of love, full of life. He sat there, innocently unacquainted with what I was going through, with how suffocated I felt. He was happy, he loved me. How could I even think of giving up? I can’t do that to him. I can’t pop this bubble of happiness and create this void that nothing can fill. I love him, yes I do. He stopped talking, he looked at me and asked me if I was okay, if everything was alright. I sat there looking at him, processing my feelings. It felt like my heart was getting crushed, tighter and tighter. I wasn’t okay, I hadn’t been in a while. If anything, I was getting worse. I was losing myself, only a little of me remained. Though I failed to understand what was wrong with me, it was killing me, all of me. And that I knew. I was in so much of pain. I wanted to curl up and cry. Cry, cry for days, weeks and months. But I couldn’t cry because it would hurt him to see me that way. I did not want to be a sadness to him. I wanted him to stay happy, to be as lively as he was, full of spark. There was this lump in my throat but I managed to swallow. I looked him in the eye and smiled. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek gently enough to feel his skin against my lips and I said, “I am fine!”
Numbness.
Do you know that feeling when you feel everything yet absolutely nothing at all? When you have felt so much for so long that you can’t feel anymore. It’s not like you don’t want to feel, it’s just that you are unable to. When you have tried for so long but it has gotten you nowhere. When it’s like you are alive but not living anymore. Breathing but you can’t feel it. You are here but long gone. You can smile but you have forgotten how it feels to be happy. You are living but yet so dead inside. You cry but you can’t feel a thing. The only difference between you and a corpse is that you are breathing. You feel just like a dummy. A living corpse. And when something miserable happens, you feel nothing but just sit there, as numb as you have become. Like you have undergone a complete shut down deep inside. And you are trying hard to lift those shutters up that are blocking the sunlight. But you are not strong enough. And you haven’t given up yet. Oh! You are trying so hard, you are exhausted. But no one can see you trying. No one can understand what you are dealing with. Though how can they possibly understand when you yourself fail to? Like there is no escape and this thing is eating you up from within. Now all that’s left is emptiness, hollowness. Numbness.
RainbowsAndRocks 